food, shelter, sex, babies and all that other shit.
I’m 41 years old, and believe it or not I recently lost my virginity – and in front of EVERYONE. Don’t worry, this virginity has nothing to do with my girl parts (I’ll save those details for another time and place). This time, for the first time ever, I spoke on stage to a paying audience! My whole life people have been telling me I should be on stage…and although I agreed with them, it was too scary or too impractical or both. So I went and studied the sciences and have been making a living in the corporate world ever since.
All of that recently changed when I took a step into the unknown and onto the stage of Expressing Motherhood, popping my performance cherry once and for all! Granted, for those of you that know me know that I’ve kind of been on stage my whole life, but now it’s official.
For those of you who weren’t able to see the show, I have my story here for your viewing pleasure. I’m so grateful for the experience and to meet such an amazing group of women, although not so thrilled with that dress I was wearing! Sigh.
BREAKING NEWS: Millions of American people are sitting comfortably in their warm safe homes under cozy Costco blankets sipping craft beer and affordable California wine while the world outside literally crumbles away. Just when you thought it was safe, “FEARBOLA” sweeps the nation, OMG! It makes me want to start yodeling “Ricola” from the top of the Swiss Alps like that one dude did in the commercial, but I guess I’m not the only one.
It’s funny (funny stupid not funny haha) that the same people that are refusing to immunize their children and expose them to diseases that are much more prevalent (i.e. measles) are the same ones hyperventilating about the “outbreak” of this horrible disease in 3 confirmed cases.
First gluten, now this? Get a grip. How did we become a nation of such scaredy cats? We used to be tough, we used to be brave, that used to be us. Now we’re a bunch of big fat crybabies that freak out whenever the big blue screen tells us we should. The world is going to hell in a handbasket, no question – and Americans are leading the way.
I don’t mean to make light of a serious issue. If I got on an airplane and the guy with a fever next to me puked in my hair I’d be freaking out like crazy. But that chances of that happening? Nada. Zilch. Zero (statistically speaking).
So take a deep breath, y’all, and quit playing armchair quarterback for the CDC and the people who are trained in this stuff. Stick to what you know: take a chill pill, get a flu shot, and repeat the Serenity Prayer 10 times. We’d all be a lot better off for it.
Why are we here? An age old question. I can’t answer it with absolute certainty, but I guarantee I’ll keep searching until I’m worm food. I’m a learner, a forever student of sorts. I’m always up for trying something new, because you never really know what will happen. Isn’t that exciting? And scary? And make you feel alive? With any new endeavor, you can only guess what will happen. You never really know until you try.
Evolution according to Merriam Webster. Isn’t the internet cool?
The reason I’m here TODAY in the virtual world, writing to the proverbial You, is to give some background to the name of this blog, Evolution of Feces. It’s a play on words for Darwin’s book, published in 1859 and the foundation of evolutionary biology. Don’t worry, though, I won’t be getting very scientific – I’m too old to remember details. I am, however, refreshing my remaining brain cells with an audio book on the Darwinian Revolution, which I highly recommend if you’re into history, science, religion, or attending college while commuting, folding laundry, or any other mind numbing task.
The other part of the name encompasses “all that other shit”. The random thoughts that come from thinking about evolution a lot while I’m fighting my monkey brain, feeding my kids and trying to swim out of the gene pool. Nature vs. nurture. Man vs. wild. Organic vs. GMO. Self medicating vs. prescription drugs. Kardashians. Real Housewives. Biggest Losers. Rainbows and Unicorns. Baby Boomers. Millennials.
You get the point.
Most importantly, I’m here to express a boatload of gratitude to my people. You are a diverse and complex web of AMAZING humans that are forever spun into my world. You make it all possible. Thank you for joining me on my new adventure of pontification on the world wide web, I hope it’ll be fun for you, too!
It took me 41 years, but I finally got the guts to put my creative self out into the world, Goddess help me. I submitted a little ditty I wrote to Expressing Motherhood and HOLY BALLS THEY ACTUALLY PICKED ME! I’ll be performing for 6 shows over 2 weekends for the first time ever! I’m so excited to check this off my bucket list, and am daydreaming about where it could possibly take me. If you want tickets to see the show you can find them here. Here’s to the butterflies that come from trying something for the first time, wish me luck!